Are you okay, senpai?
by mizzshy
Summary: A slight misunderstanding leads to confusing complications for Tamaki and Haruhi.


**Ouran Fanfiction**

"**Are you okay, senpai?"**

**Author's notes:**

Well... this was written for a friend who helped me come up with the plot over msn one evening. Needless to say, we were pretty hyper. I hope you like this, my dear. It certainly made me laugh!

If you want some way to describe this, I would say it was like an episode of Ouran if it was slightly more... adult.

This relies a lot on Haruhi being extremely dumb and not getting anything.

WARNING: Severe crazy-ness and a LOT of slang terms for masturbation... (Another friend of mine managed to find all the slang, by the way. That was amusing.)

DISCLAIMER: I own nothing. It would rock if I did, but I don't. Not even this story. Wait... Yes I do own this story. –confuzzled-

--

"Mmh... Nggh... Ah..."

Haruhi flushed, standing stock still as she listened to the heavy breathing, gasps, and moans that were emanating from behind the door to Tamaki's room. In one arm she was carrying a pile of towels and her other hand was hovering about an inch away from the doorknob. Unsure what to do, she blinked a few times and heard more moans and an indecipherable mutter.

This only caused her to blush again. It was quite clearly Tamaki's voice she could hear, and she was, despite the embarrassment of hearing one's friend doing that sort of thing, curious as to whom he was doing it with. There were host club customers staying at the beach as well, much like the other time they'd been here, and Haruhi wondered if one of them had gotten lucky.

But... Tamaki had always told her that that was one thing he would never do. It would only lead to heartbreak and confusion for too many people. And Haruhi believed that Tamaki was the kind of person to follow through on that kind of vow. He'd do anything for the happiness of young ladies. Anything except sleep with them.

So it couldn't be a host club customer, Haruhi concluded. And she couldn't really imagine Tamaki hiring someone to provide relief for any sexual tension he had.

So that left Haruhi reckoning that it must be one of the other hosts. She wouldn't put it past Tamaki to 'bat for the other side', and so she wondered who it must be. Well, she could discount herself for a start. She also couldn't imagine it being either (or even both) of the twins. They'd be making more noise than this, and all she could hear was Tamaki's moans. This also ruled out Hunny, she thought, and so she was left with Mori or Kyouya. But then she could also rule out Mori because she had just seen both him and Hunny asleep on sofas in the living room after a hard morning's training at the dojo.

So... that left Kyouya. She raised her eyebrows, stunned, and heard Tamaki's panting pick up in pace.

Just as she came to this conclusion, however, the door to Kyouya's room a little further down the corridor opened and the raven-haired host emerged, scribbling notes and straightening his glasses.

As he passed by Haruhi and she blinked several times in confusion, he looked at her. His onyx-coloured eyes travelled from Haruhi's bemused expression to the towels in her arms, to the door, and his eyebrows rose minutely at the noises coming from inside the room.

Presently, his gaze went back to Haruhi. "Just knock," he advised her, then he turned away and flipped a few pages in his notes and wrote a couple of things, before continuing his way along the corridor, turning a corner and going out of sight.

Haruhi turned back to the door and, deciding to take Kyouya's advice, tapped her knuckles firmly against the wood of the door several times. She was now confused beyond belief, and had returned to the assumption that he must be with one of the host club customers.

There was a shifting and shuffling from inside and the doorknob turned. Tamaki's blonde hair and blue-violet eyes appeared, quickly followed by the rest of hi, which, Haruhi noted, was wrapped from the waist downwards in a sheet, held in place by one of his perfectly manicured hands.

"Oh... Haruhi. Good morning!" Tamaki greeted her cheerfully as usual. "I just woke up, sorry about this." He gestured to the sheet and smiled at her.

"Yeah, it really sounded like sleeping," replied Haruhi sarcastically. She didn't exactly know why, but she suddenly felt extremely annoyed. First Tamaki went against his own morals, and now he was lying to her.

He flushed and bit his lip, evidently embarrassed. Haruhi looked at him brows furrowed.

"I just can't believe it."

"But... it's natural! Everyone does it at one time or another!"

"I know everyone does it eventually, but you're still in school, sempai. And I thought you had more class than that."

Tamaki looked suitably abashed.

"I just can't believe that you neglected your morals so much. You always told me you would never-"

"Err... Hang on, Haruhi. What _exactly_ are you talking about here?"

Haruhi's jaw dropped and the towels she was holding almost fell to the floor.

"What am I talking about?!" she asked incredulously. "I mean the fact that you slept with one of the host club customers! Are you stupid enough that you-"

"What?!" It was Tamaki's turn to look confused now. "Haruhi, I did _not_ sleep with one of the customers!"

"So, what then?" Her voice was high and confused, tinged with anger and disgust. "You hired a prostitute or something?"

"What?! NO!" Tamaki stared at her, wide-eyed. "Haruhi, that's just seedy!"

Haruhi glared at him. "Well, don't try to tell me it was Kyouya because he just walked by."

Tamaki's face lost the shock now and merely looked down at her in an oh-please-you-weren't-hoping-for-yaoi-were-you? kind of way. "Haruhi, I was not with Kyouya, and I was not with a girl," he explained, attempting to sound calm. "Honestly, do you really have such a sick mind?"

"Well if you weren't with a girl, what _were_ you doing?"

She was hoping to stump him with this one, to get him to admit the truth. Sure enough, his face flushed and she thought she'd finally got to him, but then he mumbled, "I err... I was... uhh... just... umm... having some 'alone time'." He cleared his throat and straightened, adjusting his grip on the sheet slightly. "And it's perfectly natural, so don't try and make me out to be some kind of disgusting hypocrite," he added self-righteously.

Haruhi blinked silently for a moment. "Uhh... what?"

Tamaki frowned, blood in his face receding slightly. "I told you. I was having some 'alone time'."

Haruhi still looked puzzled.

"You know... 'Alone time'..."

Deciding to be honest, Haruhi shook her head. "I don't understand."

Tamaki was beginning to redden again.

"Well... What you heard... That was me... Just me. Alone..." he trailed off and stared fixedly at a point somewhere beyond Haruhi's left shoulder.

"But Tamaki, I heard you. You were having sex," she said confusedly.

He shook his head, still not looking at her. "I wasn't having _sex_ Haruhi."

"But... but... those noises..."

"Did you actually hear any other voices though?"

"Well... no," Haruhi had to admit.

"Well that's because I was on my own," Tamaki was sounding calmer now, but still not meeting her eyes.

"Oh... but... how does that work?"

Suddenly, his eyes snapped to her face and widened, showing white all the way around the blue-violet of the irises.

"You mean... you really don't understand the concept of 'alone time'?"

Haruhi shook her head. "What do you mean by it?"

Tamaki's entire face turned scarlet, including his ears and neck.

"I... err... well... it's... it's when... umm..." he stuttered uselessly and Haruhi looked at him in concern.

"Are you okay, senpai?" she asked, looking at his red ears.

"I'm fine, I'm fine, I just... I can't believe you want me to explain this..."

Haruhi blinked a few more times, and then Tamaki appeared to have an idea.

"I know! I'll draw you a diagram!"

Seemingly from out of nowhere, he produced an easel and pencil and set to work, eventually stepping back to reveal a scribbly drawing showing a series of blobs, which, if Haruhi squinted, resembled a cactus with a sponge stuck to it.

"Umm..." she blinked at it several times, eyes round. "Senpai... What is this supposed to be?"

Tamaki's face fell and he swapped the hand holding the sheet for the other. "You mean you still don't understand?"

Haruhi shook her head and heard approaching voices. Turning, she saw Hikaru and Kaoru coming down the corridor towards her and Tamaki. The twins grinned when they got near enough to see how Tamaki was attired.

"Tono, have you been pleasuring yourself again?" Hikaru asked teasingly as the pair of redheads came to a standstill in front of the blonde.

"Don't worry." Kaoru had turned to Haruhi. "He plays with himself quite often; the rest of us have all gotten used to it by now."

"Still, I wouldn't expect you to be servicing yourself this early in the day," Hikaru was now saying. "Most of us leave the self-stimulation for evening or night... Unless we can get help, that is..."

At this, he put an arm around Kaoru, who added, "And did you really need to jerk off in front of Haruhi, Tono? I'm sure she's pretty embarrassed."

Tamaki was muttering incomprehensible angry things and Haruhi looked between him and the twins in confusion.

"Oh well," Hikaru grinned. "At least now she's heard you tossing yourself off and we can get on with our lives."

"Happy salami stroking!" Kaoru put in as the twins began to walk off, laughing all the way down to the end of the corridor, round the corner, and out of sight.

Forget red, Tamaki was _purple_, and his jaw had all but hit the floor. Slowly, he turned to the brunette and saw that she still looked somewhat bemused.

"Do... do... do you... understand now...?"

Another shake of her brown head prompted Tamaki to turn to the wall and start hitting his head against it.

"Well..." Haruhi searched in her mind for a solution. "Why don't you just _show_ me?"

Tamaki's head snapped round and he met her gaze with _huge_ eyes.

"Sh- sh- _show_ you?"

"Yes. It seems like the sim- Senpai, _what is wrong with you_?"

Within a second, the tall blonde had retreated into a crouch on the other side of the corridor. The sheet was still wrapped around him and a dark patch floated above his head. He was muttering to himself, constantly repeating the words "can't besmirch my precious daughter's innocence like that..."

Haruhi sighed. It seemed she wasn't going to get anywhere at this rate. She heard voices approaching again and saw the twins and Hunny walking towards her.

Upon seeing the crumpled figure of Tamaki on the floor, the twins looked at each other in suspicion and Hunny wandered to Haruhi's side. "What's going on? Tama-chan looks even stranger than usual."

Haruhi explained the whole situation to the three of them, about how she couldn't understand what it was that Tamaki was supposed to be doing and how he seemed unwilling to explain. When she mentioned that he had been going to show her, her words were cut off and the twins and Hunny were dragging her away and down the corridor.

Being forced to drop the towels she had been carrying, she heard Tamaki making some kind of protest, but then Kaoru whipped round and half-shouted at the host club prince, "Shut up and leave her alone, you disgusting monkey-spanker!"

--

At dinner that evening, Haruhi was seated between the twins, who were not giving Tamaki any chance to redeem himself.

"But guys-"

"No."

"Just let me-"

"No."

"Haruhi-"

"Don't even try to talk to her. She's not interested."

"But if I-"

"No."

Eventually Haruhi spoke, brows knitted together over normally warm brown eyes. "What I don't understand is how you couldn't explain it simply with the word 'masturbation'. It's perfectly normal for people to do it, and I would have understood. I had no idea there were so many slang terms for it."

She took a spoonful of soup and added, "Maybe private schools really aren't as respectable as they think they are."


End file.
